I feel like Paul in a way. In 2 Corinthians 12 Paul asks God to take away the thorn that is in his flesh. Instead of asking God to take something away three times, I asked Him to give me something three times. Each time I asked Him and the answer has been “No”, my heart has looked different. The first time that I asked the Lord, I was fairly demanding. I thought that if I asked multiple times that surely the Lord would grant my desire. My desire consumed so much of my thoughts and affections that it ended up dominating my prayer life. I was just positive that God would answer me….I mean, I prayed about, right!? Well, God didn’t answer my request. He didn’t give me what I wanted. I wish that I would have surrendered to His will for me about it, but instead I was hurt, disappointed, and a bit frustrated. Doesn’t God know how much I “needed” this? As I voiced this to myself,  I realized that I had set up an idol in my heart. This desire had come to rule in my heart. I thought that my possession of this desire would make me satisfied.

Seeing this idol in my heart and realizing its affects on my thoughts, emotions, and relationships with others caused me to ask God in a different way. I wasn’t completely surrendered to giving it over yet….The second time that I asked the Lord for my desire, I had disguised surrender. “Oh Lord, I give this over to You. You can have it.” At this point, I thought that if I voiced my surrender and told the Lord He could have it, He would see my willingness to give it up and grant me my request. I was manipulating God. I was hoping that my lip service would bring about my desire. “Lord, you know all that I do for You. You know how I serve and love others. You know what I give up for You. Surely You would grant me this small request as a loving Father.” As I prayed this way for a while, God was merciful to show me my heart’s selfishness. He opened my eyes to see the King. He is the King! He reigns! He rules the earth and sees the inhabitants as grasshoppers. (Isaiah 40:22) But our God is in the heavens: he hath done whatsoever he hath pleased. (Psalm 115:3) 

This brings me to the third approach to the throne. Now my hands aren’t clenched around my desire demanding God to give it to me. My mouth is not manipulating God through false surrender. I can barely bring myself to speak. I am broken. “God, who am I that you would even listen to me? Who am I that you would even die for me? Forgive me for loving my desire more than you.” My view of God’s sovereignty exposed my own effort to control my life. I realized that I placed my happiness and fulfillment in something other than my King. I knew that I must give it to the Lord. But I couldn’t do it myself. I felt so weak and incapable of obedience and submission.

“God, you must pry my fingers away. Do what I can’t and make me surrendered to your will for my life. And, Lord…if you see best to never give me my desire, I will still praise You. You will still be enough for me. If You loved me so much to send your Son to die for me, then You are loving me in this situation. Thank You for the opportunity to see Your love poured out and Your sufficient grace in my surrender. I know that I am Your child. Give me grace to die to this desire again when I am tempted to live for it and love it above You.” Amen.

Have Thine own way, Lord! Have Thine own way!
Thou art the Potter, I am the clay.
Mold me and make me after Thy will,
While I am waiting, yielded and still.

Posted by Stephanie Coffey